[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.
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[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]
Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”
Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I think the only thing Fox News hasn’t yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson’s bullets. #ferguson
Me: I just sunk my teeth into the first guy I saw on the street
Teacher: I’m afraid that’s a bit pedestrian
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Still my favourite meme.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.