Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.
Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.