Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

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Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.


Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.


It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?


Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.


Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT


[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job


If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.


He died doing what he loved: checking to see if wolves are ticklish.


Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.