Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Meowchelangelo
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Become a minion. Get that bread.