Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

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[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there


[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid]

Me: “Hell yeah”
Friend: “Hell yeah”

Pizza: “Oh hell yeah”


Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.


I think the only thing Fox News hasn’t yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson’s bullets. #ferguson


Vampire school
Me: I just sunk my teeth into the first guy I saw on the street
Teacher: I’m afraid that’s a bit pedestrian


[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*


Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys


When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat


“I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.