Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
🤣
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget