Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working