Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.