Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
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free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too