explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
You Might Also Like
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
(yawn)
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy