Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…