Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat