Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Free him

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700