[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
sugar glider wrangler
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.