[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”