Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.