Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

Potatoes were such a good idea

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

I’m ready to try another planet.

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.