[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket