When you tell a woman to calm down
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
[At the magic store]
Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.
Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?
Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.