Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will