[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
2023 was just a warmup
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
*skinny dips into black hole
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Best table by far
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I had to Stop for this
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.