Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT