Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

The photographer’s assistant

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal