Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

Good advice.

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie