explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!