Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.