explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week