@aardvarsk

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

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@MinaWorldPeace

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

@alldrolledup

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@ryangriffiths

My dad says that if I don’t stop typing so loudly, he’s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

@JimmerThatisAll

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

@AdamBroud

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

@TheGrimKing

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

@Carbosly

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.