Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.