Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
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DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[eats all your cotton candy]
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant