Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.