Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

thats my bad

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

[haunted house]

FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Last-minute gift idea!

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!