Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.