Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

i just found this in my phone

scared to check what name she chose

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.