Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
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Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”