Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.