Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
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I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
twitter is a journey
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.