Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

There’s never enough good news

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…