[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
“Huge”.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Oh boy, $150,000!
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead