Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re so productive for your wage

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.