[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*