Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
This is enough internet for the day.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Name this drama.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
