Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
You Might Also Like
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
