Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
one of
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
These are too funny not to post 😂
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn