Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that