Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.