Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.