Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad