*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
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If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
want me to check your oil?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.