“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say

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I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.


My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.


Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.


[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
Now watch as I try to put it out


Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.


Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.


If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever


[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*


FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg