@SteveSuckington

“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say

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@NourHadidi

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

@mommajessiec

My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.

@simoncholland

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

@internetluke

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

@aimlessamers

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

@jnrbtsn

Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.

@briangaar

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

@rockymomax

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

@Brampersandon_

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg