Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax