Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english

here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”

…i mean VERY BAD TRIP

North and South

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

boys are so easy to impress

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.