Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

time for some seasonal decor

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects