Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
You Might Also Like
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.