Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Netflix: We have Less
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*