Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
You Might Also Like
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks