Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
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Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?