Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
You Might Also Like
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…