Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
good morning
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I found your tweet-up…
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.