Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

😂

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Honey I made you some hotdog water

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Ugh but profoundly

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.