Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

peak technology

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

one week till the election

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.