*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
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I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler