Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
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Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!