Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help