Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
when there are deer in the woods
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me driving through Toronto
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!