Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Sing it!

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO