Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.

5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.