Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

Oh yeah that’s it

You know…for fall…

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

indiana??? now they’re just making up states