“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
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Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
logging onto twitter…
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.