Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese

Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating

Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it

Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets

Therapist: absolutely not

There is no try. There is only give up.

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”