Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.