@Adar79Angie

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

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@iwearaonesie

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

@girl_a_whirl

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

@JohnLyonTweets

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

@HockeyGoddess24

I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..

@scott_towel

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

@DannyZuker

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

@WilliamAder

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

@Smethanie

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.