toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
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I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.