Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
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Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.