*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
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Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
the duality of man
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Anyone want a chair?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.