Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no