*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Oh. My. God.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Only a mother’s love …
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
