Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’

~cats

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

i wonder why they stopped looking

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

$4 #usedbooks

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

Running your mouth is not cardio.