(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Holy moly
😂😂😂
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*